A grown man approaches his elderly mother and punches her in the face. He grabs his sister by the throat and chokes her. He kicks his daughter in the stomach. Then he goes out for a night with the guys.
Shocking! Yes. Disgusting! Yes, Abuse of any kind is wrong, be against women, children or animals, and we are hearing our fair share of stories about abuse in the news. I wonder: Why would men who probably wouldn’t think of punching or kicking their own mothers appear to have no problem leveling their wives or girlfriends? How can a man who holds his young daughter in his arms turn around and take a swipe at the mother of his child? It just doesn’t make sense.
We watch Ray Rice cold cock his wife into unconsciousness and drag her limp body from an elevator like a sack of potatoes with disbelief. Why would a man do this? How would Rice react if someone did that to his daughter one day?
Janay Rice, you may be a loyal Baltimore Ravens fan and named your young daughter Rayven, but don’t take one for the team. You may believe you are financially dependent on your husband and in love with a man who runs hot and cold and is the father of your child. You may feel you can’t walk away from your marriage. But you can if you choose and you should not take the abuse or make apologies for him or for you. If he takes a hand to you will he do the same one day to your daughter? Will your daughter take her cue from you?
We are mothers and daughters, sisters and wives. We are nurturers and givers, often too selfless and generous in our love. What we are not intended to be are human punching bags, target practice or objects of ridicule. Until men learn to use their voices against domestic abuse and not their fists against their wives or girlfriends, we will continue to hear these stories. Another woman will be victimized or worse, murdered.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence “Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault and/or other abusive behavior perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.” Approximately 42.4 million women in the U.S. have experienced domestic violence in their lifetime. 1 in 3 have experienced physical violence by an intimate partner. Intimate partner violence is most common among women between the ages of 18 and 24. Source and more facts: www.ncadv.org/.
Domestic abuse victims are usually too scared into submission, too intimidated to speak up or, with younger victims, too immature to process and deal what is happening. Women and women’s support organizations continue to speak out in protest, but that’s only half the conversation. Men’s voices aren’t nearly loud enough. They need to roar.
Every woman who is punched, raped or kicked by an intimate partner, is also someone’s daughter or sister crying for help. Domestic abuse is not just “a women’s problem.” Both the victim and the abuser need rehabilitation. It’s a battle both sexes need to face and win.
Sports analysts discuss how recent revelations of spouse and child abuse among players are giving the N.F.L. franchise a black eye. It’s the victims who are receiving the black eyes who matter. The N.F.L. franchise will still prosper; football is a national past time. No one is turning off the television to miss a game.
What we are missing is an opportunity to educate and empower. The N.F.L. has the airwaves and attention of millions to speak out against domestic abuse. The advertisers, instead of monitoring the situation carefully, can be proactive with their media dollars to support the message: “Domestic violence is not a contact sport. We do not tolerate abuse.” I’d like to see all the money plowed into television advertising for an N.F.L. line of sportswear jerseys for women into an educational program to help women who are victims of domestic abuse.
That’s taking one for the team.
Thanks for doing this Melanie. I am amazed that so many people still don’t get it, that domestic violence is against the law, a punishable crime. And since I wrote my book more than 15 years ago, not much has changed. Marian Betancourt, author, What to Do When Love Turns Violent: A Practical Resource for Women in Abusive Relationships, a book The New York Times called “possibly the best single resource.” HarperCollins, now an e-book.