Recently I received three invitations to “pop-up” events. All were taking place within a few days after the invitation arrived in my inbox. I explained to the senders that my schedule was booked and I wish I’d been given more notice. Two replied: “But these are pop-up events.”
I don’t understand why pop-up events are so popular. There are countless pop-up restaurants, stores, parties and beauty bars being promoted from cities to resorts. The problem is you never seem to have enough notice to plan to attend them. Many of us have pretty full schedules. Popping into a pop-up isn’t always feasible.
I’m a professional event planner. All pop-up events take advance planning, so they are not really pop-ups anyway. Besides, being invited last minute to an event makes you feel a little second tier. I’m sure the “People Who Really Matter” are invited well in advance, even to pop-up events.
A real invitation, either paper or paperless, is better than inviting people to events on Facebook. I’ve found few people respond to Facebook invitations, and many respond “Tes” when they really mean “Yes, I am there with you in spirit, not Yes, I plan to attend your event.” It’s referred to as the aspirational RSVP. You can read more about it in this New York Times article.
Remember the paper invitation? www.freedigitalphotos.net
I send out invitations for several events a year. Only a few people respond until I reach out with a personal note or a call. Why people feel they no longer need to RSVP for events has been debated in many event and etiquette articles. The only thing worse than not replying to an invitation is replying “yes” and then not showing up. “No shows” are a problem because you have to pay for the food and service for the person who rudely doesn’t bother to call and cancel. Schedules may change, traffic snarls and emergencies happen, but it’s proper etiquette to RSVP “accept” or “decline,” call to cancel if your plans change, or notify your host if you are running late.
Here are my Fearless Fabulous Event Planner Tips for Managing and Responding to RSVPS:
Tips for the Host:
If you are planning an event days or weeks in advance don’t bother calling it a “pop-up.” Give your guests the courtesy of time to receive and respond to the invitation. I suggest at least 4 to 6 weeks when you are hiring a caterer and other vendors where a firm guest count is essential. For more casual events, give at least two weeks’ notice. Weddings and major celebrations are exceptions and should include a “save the date” notice at least 4 to 6 months prior, especially with a destination gathering.
Be clear about the timing on your invitation. If the event is a cocktail reception followed by a seated meal, state this so people can plan. Example: Cocktails and hors d’oeuvres at 5:30 p.m. and seated dinner at 8 p.m. It’s uncomfortable for a guest to arrive at an event to find everyone is already seated for the meal or the cocktail reception lasts two hours with minimal food to satiate hungry attendees.
When people RSVP send them a reminder 2 to 3 days prior to the event. Say something like, “We look forward to seeing you on such-and-such date.” This is a good way to Include details like times for the reception and seating, program for speeches and if valet parking will be provided. Reconfirming guests is a good way to sift out people who may forget to cancel.
If you don’t want someone to bring a guest or their children be very clear about this. This applies to both married couples as well as singles. I’ve brought my husband to events that were “women only” because the hostess did not explain the event, and I never asked.
If you have a dress code, be specific. “Casual” in some parts of the country mean shorts and sandals or jeans and T-shirts and in other parts means short dresses for women and blazers for men. I’ve attended “casual attire” events in the Hamptons where the women wore long dresses with stiletto heels for a pool party.
If you want guests to bring something don’t be shy about asking. But be clear if you, your family members or guests have any food allergies or other medical conditions where certain foods and dishes could cause reactions.
Be cool under pressure. Even the most carefully planned events can experience glitches, but don’t let them sour the mood of the event or your demeanor. If two guests start arguing, quietly lead them into another room to sort things out. Make backup plans for uncooperative weather. Don’t fret if the food is not “just right” or the service is slow. Snapping at the caterer or constantly apologizing to guests doesn’t help. A smart hostess doesn’t make excuses for things that go wrong; she just makes sure her guests are having a good time.
Tips for Guests
All of the above apply in some way. Specifically:
Ask if you can bring a guest before inviting someone. If you have children or pets that you take everywhere don’t assume they are welcome to the event.
Make sure you know what time is appropriate – or not- to arrive. “Fashionably late” does not work well with seated events or occasions where speeches are being given. Also, late arrivals could throw off the timing for the kitchen crew which isn’t fair to either the host or other guests.
If you must cancel try to give as much notice as possible. Calling or sending a text message is better than using email to cancel since your host may be too busy with last minute preparations to check emails.
If you have dietary restrictions let your host know. But don’t make it difficult. There’s only so much one can do to create a gluten-free, meat-free, dairy-free, nut-free menu that appeals to everyone. If you have dietary issues offer to bring a dish that you can also share or plan to eat ahead of time and don’t make a big deal about why you’re not eating.
Ask before you start snapping and posting photos. While it may seem fun to document the event, some people are not comfortable with guests taking and posting photos and your host may feel it’s disruptive. Serial snapping at seated events is especially annoying when people are trying to eat. It’s also a privacy matter, especially if a guest is attending an event with someone other than his/her spouse or is inebriated! Be respectful of who you photograph and what you post and ask first.
Write thank you notes or send gifts. Organizing an event takes a lot of planning (even pop- ups!). A simple hand-written thank you note is the best followed by an well written email.
Gasp! What if something bad happens? Maybe you or your spouse had a little too much to drink or you broke a glass or dish. Quietly apologize and send a gift or replacement item (within reason) after the event. Try not to let the incident derail the festive mood of the event.
Smart planning and simple etiquette make for memorable events. So take these tips to heart and let the party begin!
Here’s a Sweet Tweet: The best hostess focuses on bringing the party to life for her guests rather than being the life of the party. @mightymelanie #fearlessfabulousyou
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