New York City, where I live, lost a great man this week, native son and former Mayor, Ed Koch. First a lawyer, then a Congressman, he idolized his city, and as Mayor, led New York through, and out of, some of its darkest days. Even after he left office, he remained an upbeat voice for the city throughout the rest of his life, an ambassador unequaled for the people, the causes, and ideals he believed in. Koch was known for asking people “How Am I Doing?” It did not really matter how anyone responded, because Ed Koch possessed an abundance of confidence, and he believed he was doing just fine.
I often ask myself “How am I doing?” It’s like taking a mental pulse. Sometimes I’m racing; sometimes I’m calm. I figure, as long as you feel good and the stress level stays low, you are doing OK.
But sometimes I wonder why I keep having to validate how I am doing myself to so many others. I have been asked to prove myself over and over by clients, editors and other evaluators who want to assess my capabilities, my background and my value to them. It’s funny: You can be a writer for more than 30 years, and someone still asks you for a writing sample. You can be an actor or dancer for 30 years and you still have to audition for every part. You can start and run a successful business, sell millions of dollars in bonds, or wine, or widgets, or promote dozens of products that make a mint, and someone is still going to ask for proof that you are capable of selling theirs. Even Beyonce had to prove her singing cred again this week after a maelstrom that she lip synched the national anthem at the Presidential inauguration.
I wonder: Do you ever get to the point where you don’t have to demonstrate to anyone else how you are doing and how capable you are? Or are we always auditioning for the next part in our life? I look forward to the day where I do not have to prove myself to anyone and can just be who I am. I asked this question to a friend who told me, “Melanie, every day you have to prove yourself again and again. You can never rest on your laurels.”
We are an opinionated society of people who judge and are judged, and sometimes it takes wearing a coat of thick skin to stay balanced and confident. Sometimes we reach so high we lose our footing and are no longer grounded. And too often we compare our lives to the lives of others, and that can open up insecurities that are hiding within us.
But the answer to how we are doing first lies within ourselves. Don’t compare how you are doing against how everyone else is doing. And don’t let people answer for you. A favorite quote of mine from the book “Your Erroneous Zones” is “Not one person’s opinion of you is half as important as the one you hold of your own self.” Self worth is the value you place on yourself. Don’t let anyone devalue you with their negative opinions. You are your own ambassador for your self worth. You might as well flaunt it because no one really wants to hear anything negative anyway when they ask “How Are You Doing?”
The key is to be incomparable and comfortable with yourself. Focus on inspiration, not aspiration. You are doing well if you are doing something with your life that you enjoy. And you are doing well if you are doing something for other people that you also enjoy and that also makes their lives enjoyable.
Be your own ambassador for “doing” a life well lived and be proud of it. And if you are not responding affirmatively to the question, “How am I doing?” then do something about it. It’s OK to ask for help. It’s OK to take a few steps backward or sideways to regroup. It’s OK to step away to get a new perspective on what you should be doing. But it is not OK to give up and do nothing about it. The literal definition of the word “doing” is “performing an action.” Inaction can lead to one’s undoing.
And so Monday, as Mayor Koch is laid to rest in the city he embraced, ask yourself “How am I doing?”
And I hope your response is “I am doing wonderful things. I am doing my best. I am doing for others. I am doing for myself. I am doing just fine.”
How are you doing?
“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” Albert Schweitzer
