“Why didn’t you have children?”
I am always amazed when someone asks me this abrupt question. But people do ask.
“You wouldn’t understand. Your are not a mother.”
I take a deep breath and hold my thoughts when another woman says this to me.
My decision not to have children is personal. But, since you asked…
When I was younger it was a practical choice. I was single, running a business, traveling non-stop and in debt. I was not comfortable raising a child alone and unable to provide the time and resources I felt a child deserves. I married late, settled into life as a couple after years of being single and then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Chemotherapy placed me into menopause. There you have it.
I am no less of a woman because I did not have children. Yet, I have experienced a glass wall come up when other women who are mothers say to me,
“Motherhood made me a complete and better person.”
“My life is more fulfilling.”
“I am less selfish and more caring.”
Just because I am not a mother does not mean that I am selfish or my life is incomplete. I have a very happy, fulfilling life that I embrace with appreciation and enthusiasm. I am a proud daughter of a wonderful mother who is, thankfully, healthy and vibrant. I live with purpose and compassion and no regrets…and no excuses.
The Mommy Track was not the path my life took but it does not mean I took the wrong direction. There are no right or wrong directions if we all navigate them with grace, kindness and passion. I respect and appreciate all mothers- and dads- and only ask that those of us who remained childless receive equal respect.
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.
Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they are lost. – Dalai Lama
Thank you for putting it out there.
Thank you Nancy! I told another respondent to my post that we all have the capacity to be nurturing, giving, kind and loving with or without having children. It’s called Womanhood.
I know you have mothered the world, like I have. Being “officially” childless gives you more space to mother hundreds. That has been my philosophy! I appreciate motherhood and those that are official mothers. Being an unofficial mother has great rewards as well… Happy Mother’s Day!
Thank you Denise. I seem to have resonated with many women who are thinking what I said out loud. We all have the capacity to be fulfilled, nurturing and giving individuals with large hearts and open arms with or without having children. That is called Womanhood.
Melanie- there are PLENTY of woman that should never have been mothers, there are PLENTY of woman that wish they were not mothers, and there are PLENTY of woman that think they are superior and clever because they have accomplished the basic goal of all living species. ….that makes me laugh.
You said it. Of course, you are an amazing mom. Look at your girls! They know they have choices.
Let’s all celebrate WomanHood! XXO
Dear Melanie,
thanks so much for your words. they deeply inspired me today…. so often I already asked that question to women (and men as well). And I am really interested in the personal answer – there are so many different reasons and they make me understand the person better.
what I learned today by reading your article is that with my question maybe I hurt the other person. And finally this is something what I really don’t want to do. So thanks again for writing so open and honest. I already apologized to some of the women already. Now I’m really thinking about how to start a dialog between women (no matter if they are mothers or not).
My friends are women with kids (in relationships or singles) and without – and I realized that the toughest thing is, that so often we judge each other even when we don’t speak it out loud. And with our thoughts we create some kind of separation instead of connection. Like we are all humans, we are all women. No matter if parents or not.
I really have a dream – and maybe I just have to say that I am a single parent raising two kids on my own from the moment I was pregnant – so I have a dream: that as a community of humans we take responsibility for our kids. some of us get kids, become mother and fathers. Some of us just supporting parents or supporting kids or adults. and so we realize just like kahlil gibran said: Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
The same with the older people. why not taking responsibility for somebody is not your blood-related? just to take care, visit him/her, listing to her/his wisdom, giving him/her love, hugs, food, a home.
I really believe that live would be so much easier if we life it in this way …
I am from germany – and my english isn’t so good. So I really hope that my words make sense. Thanks again for sharing your truth. You are so, so inspiring to me.
kindest regards
silke